By Casey Alice
Hey everyone,
A friend of mine recently forwarded me an article written by Jennifer Coates, a trans woman who, after substantial internal deliberation, decided not to transition. While her decision was based on a number of factors, she eventually came to the conclusion that transitioning would not solve her underlying dysphoria: her appearance is only one component of her person. Her article was met with a variety of responses, with some people arguing that she was not only doing herself a disservice but harming the broader trans community as well. Given the stigma around trans women (and men!) and the complexities of navigating inner desires vs outward expression, I wanted to write down my own thoughts on this contentious subject.
I have some classically feminine interests. I enjoy dresses and skirts, pink sweaters and rompers, ballet flats and boots. I spend some time every week learning about the newest styles on fashion blogs and YouTube, and—occasionally—try to express this part of me to the world. I have always felt sympathy for the female character in Disney movies, and cheered when she won. However, I am not trans, gay, or really anywhere on the LGBTQ spectrum; what I wear does not determine my sexual identity and comprises only a small part of my overall character. My interests don’t align with those associated with the classical “straight male,” but that just means I’m a straight guy with a different perspective. My interests are not necessarily good or bad things, they just are what they are.
When I read Jennifer’s article, I noticed some interesting similarities with my own up upbringing among her experience as a young boy. For example, the first item I ever tried on was my sister’s Tinkerbell ballet costume: I felt both weighed down and relieved at the same time. I spent college trying to determine how this part of me fit in to my larger personality, and eventually told a friend—who took my dressing to mean I might be a closeted trans woman despite my protests to the contrary. I have listened with contention when classmates explained that you had to look or act in a specific way to retain authority on something, and that everyone else should just shut up and listen. I have also reflected on how society judges people by appearance rather than character and spoken up when I thought someone was in the wrong.
This is where our similarities end, and I don’t want to really compare my experience with hers. I cannot even begin to fathom Jennifer’s internal turmoil growing up; after all, my “hobby” is comparatively isolated and does not really contribute to my overall “identity” (a loaded term that I am reluctant to use). I truly hope she finds inner peace—and from her article, it seems that she is well on her way there.
Jennifer’s unique experience gave her the ability to separate how she feels inside and how she presents herself, and to recognize one is not a substitute for the other. We are all told to express ourselves and be true to our nature, but if there is no way to do it in a way that feels satisfying then we are left with an incredibly difficult choice: get as close as possible, but eventually live up to someone else’s definition of ‘self’; or accept the fact that we can’t achieve what we want, but live free from the constraints imposed by others. Both of these choices reflect the priorities of the individual, and neither is a cop out. The former gives you a group with which to identify while the latter frees you from the expectations of society.
Men who express their feminine interests often risk distancing themselves from friends, family, and most of society. At the heart of her argument, Jennifer sounds like she just wishes to be herself—societal expectations be damned. She sounds like a perfectly reasonable and thoughtful person who is looking for people to recognize who she is: and who are we to judge, since that seems to be a very human goal? No amount of clothes, surgery, or other external changes can fundamentally alter her personality, and I’m happy to hear that she made the decision that she felt best reflected herself. Coming to a decision like this is certainly easier said than done, and yet she has done it. Well done, Jennifer.
This is a deeper post than I normally write, but I thought it important to get out there. Regardless of who you are or how you act or dress, what matters is your character, not how you look. We are all familiar with the old adage “don’t judge a book by it’s cover.” We should learn how to adapt it to ourselves.
Casey